


Into the Storm

by theimaginesyouneveraskedfor



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Fluff, Funny, One Shot, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-15
Updated: 2016-03-15
Packaged: 2018-05-26 21:57:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6257440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theimaginesyouneveraskedfor/pseuds/theimaginesyouneveraskedfor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The reader loses her temper...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Into the Storm

“Is this a fucking joke?!” Your voice rang along the ceiling of the cave, your temper was at its limit, “Seriously, you fucking little shit-mouthed twat?! IS THIS FUCKING FUNNY?!”

You stormed across the shadows, the fire light flickering around you as the others looked towards you in surprise, some of them gripping their weapons in preparation. Everyone was sat around the fire but you and they could only wonder what you were on about. You took your sopping pack and threw it violently at the sharp rock wall.

“I am fucking serious! You goddamn fucking sack of shit! MY WRATH KNOWS NO BOUNDS, YOU ASS-SUCKING FUCKER FUCK!”

Unbeknownst to you, the dwarves were trapped in a stunned silence as they listened to your tirade. Even Dwalin look terrified, his ax held close. You kept going though, ripping belongings from inside your soaked bag. _Fate seemed to have pissed on you once more._ You had been stupid enough to have set your stuff in the one place where there was a drip.

“I WILL FUCKING MURDER YOU!” You ripped your bowl out and whipped it behind you, “THIS IS THE PART WHERE YOU FUCKING DIE, YOU COCK SUCKER!”

Ori gasped at the last part and covered his ears with a fearful look to the rest. Thorin could not rip his gaze from your rage, he had never seen anyone so angry or so vulgar. Kili and Fili were clutching each other as they stifled laughter. Dwalin was saying a prayer in khuzdul as the storm continued through the cave. The rest too afraid to stop it.

“EAT MY ENTIRE ASSSSSSSSSSSS!” The last word was dragged out with venom, “I’M ABOUT TO START BREAKING DICKS!” You had always been told you had a charming vocabulary.

“YOU STUPID FUCKING SPOON, WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!” Bofur turned to Bifur, mouthing a question as to why you were berating cutlery, “ARE YOU HAPPY?! JESUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY WITH A FUCKING STICK UP HIS ASS!!”

Nori had fainted with shock and Ori had run from the cave, mumbling something about feeling dirty. The rest remained silent and still.

“DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO HAVE YOUR SOUL DIE?!” You were getting a little dramatic, but your whole life seemed a parade of shit, “I WILL FUCKING SHOW YOU, YOU BAG OF DICKS!!! I WILL PUNCH THIS SHIRT INTO A PAIR OF PANTS!!”

As a sodden tunic flew across the cave, the Durin brothers had lost all control and were rolling across the dirt with laughter. Thorin caught himself smiling while Balin looked so indignant, he seemed like to join Nori in unconsciousness.

“FUCK ME! FUCK ME!! FUCK ME WITH AN AX!!!” The pack flew back the other way, more contents spilling out, water coating every item, “YOU FUCKING POTATO, YOU THINK YOU’RE FUCKING SMART?! OH, YEAH, WELL THEN TELL ME WHY I AM FUCKING ALIVE?!”

The potato flew dangerously close to Dwalin and his eyes widened as he looked back to the raging banshee.

FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!“ The word barreled across the walls and you began stamping your feet, "YOU SHALL KNOW MY VENGEANCE AND YOU SHALL SUFFER A MILLION FUCKING PAINFUL GODDAMN TIT-FUCKING DEATHS!!!! I AM COMETH UNTO THE WORLD TO FUCK IT ALL!!!!!”

You punched the wall of the cave, “SHIT, PISS, COCK, AND TAINT!!!!!” You fell to your knees with dismay, clutching your hand, “THIS IS HOW IT ENDS! AS IT BEGAN! IN A WHIRLWIND OF SHIT!!” You fell onto your back, sprawled across the ground, breathing heavily.

“Holy cock!” Came the last, mumbled utterance from your lungs as you caught your breath. You had never felt so enraged in your life and now it seeped away, leaving you exhausted. You lay in silence for a while, no sound came from the others and you forgot they were even there until you dared to look up.

“Hey, what’s up?” You rolled over and pushed yourself from the dirt, crossing to sit by the fire as they seemed to lean away from you, “How’s everyone’s morning?”

“Better than yours it seems,” Fili grinned cautiously.

“What do you mean?” You tried to act normal, “I am perfectly happy.”

“I have never heard anything more disgraceful in my life,” Bilbo voiced from his side of the circle.

“Mmmm, yeah,” You didn’t really care about his Hobbit temperaments, “Well, now you have.”

“Truly a show to remember,” Kili wiped tears from his eyes.

“I’m going to go get Ori,” Bofur stood up nervously.

“And I’ll try to rouse this one,” Oin leaned over Nori.

“Forgive me for asking,” Thorin dared to speak, “But what in the Mahal happened?”

“Well, you know, life happened,” You scratched your head, “I was born and one thing led to another and everything sucks. And my bag got soaked during the night.”

“You just massacred your pack because you put it under a drip?” Balin inquired.

“Well, I figured it better than finding a living victim,” You grumbled, looking to you throbbing hand.

“That must hurt,” Thorin lifted your hand as he shifted closer to you, the others still keeping a wary distance.

“A little,” You tried not to show the pain, “It’ll be fine.”

“You’re the first person I’ve known to challenge a cave,” Dwalin commented, “You madwoman.”

You looked back at your scraped knuckles and cringed, realizing how crazy you must have truly seemed, “Well, the cave better not get in my way again,” You joked, letting Thorin pour some water over your knuckles, your hand too sore to pull away.

“Yes, the cave should be very afraid,” He said dryly as the blood washed away, “And I suppose the spoons should hide themselves as well.”


End file.
